“Despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. “
This is a quote by writer Matt Kahn. It’s a powerful phrase. When I first read it, I felt the profound truth of it, I felt the sadness of it, and I felt the compassion necessary to live it.
I’m sure you’ve had at least one experience where you were in conversation (or heated discussion) with someone and just felt like no matter how you phrased or explained something, they just didn’t seem to hear you or understand you. And let’s be personally responsible here and also say the converse is true—that someone has certainly been speaking to you and you’ve not really heard them in the way that they were trying to communicate.
I truly believe we are all equal and that no one is better than anyone else. But I do believe that we are all here to grow and some people grow more quickly than others—whether they’re growing from their sheer desire for growth, or they had to grow to survive. We’re basically all houseplants with complicated emotions.
So, when we are engaged in an experience with another person and we can tell that we are really not fully understanding each other, it’s an important moment to take a Sacred Pause and have the awareness that the conversation is futile at this particular time.
Most of us don’t take a pause at all. People want to be understood so badly that they will dig their heels in trying to get their point across, often feeling like they’re “talking to a brick wall” because the information going out from one person is not really landing in the other person at all.
Why does this happen? Gosh, there are so many reasons that communications fail that it’s actually comical of me to attempt to write an article about it! But I’m here typing it so let’s give it a try, shall we? The irony of me not being able to fully communicate what I want here is not lost on me either. ☺
Here are just a few reasons why communications sometimes fail:
- The person you’re interacting with is just not interested in actually understanding you. Perhaps they don’t like the subject matter, or perhaps they don’t like you and there’s just very simply a lack of interest in trying to understand.
- It’s also possible there’s some unresolved trauma (big or small) inside them that they are not yet aware of, and whatever you’re saying is immediately bringing up a wall, a defense, or just a deflection. In this case, they are actually not capable of hearing you in this moment. Their entire system is trying to “protect” them.
- And my last example here is similar to the second one in that they are too stuck in their own ego (rigid in their ideas of how things should be) that they are not open to hearing someone else’s opinions. In this case, they are also not really capable of hearing anything but themselves. They are closed off to outside information.
I imagine as you read these words that a specific scenario or person may come to mind for you. Awesome. Let’s do a little practice with it.
You likely didn’t take that sacred pause when you were in (a probably heated) conversation with them, so take the pause now here with me. Take a breath. Bring them to mind, allow yourself to tune back into that moment of discord you experienced with them. Allow yourself to briefly feel whatever unpleasant emotions you may have felt with them. Now tune in to the physical sensations in your body. Do you feel hot? Is your pulse racing? Do you feel a slow ache and heaviness in your chest? Let go of the story and tune into the body. When we do work on the somatic (physical) level, and we allow the energy to move through, it will move through. Afterall, e-motions are simply energy in motion. The physical sensations will likely pass quickly. (If you are still feeling them, you are stuck in a mental story that you are choosing to repeat 🡨 this is your own unconscious work you need to do. More on this another day or find me and we’ll work on it.) If you’ve done this successfully, you will have less charge in your body about it and you’ll be in a more receptive and neutral place. We can now add in a heaping dose of compassion.
Let’s remember part of the quote we started with: “…people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” And I would add my own personal touch to that, “and we can only meet other people as deeply as we have met ourselves.”
Most of the time, we gravitate towards and have friendships and relationships with people who are at the same level a we are of this strange Mario Brothers game called Life. This makes the communication easier. But life is full of people at very varied levels of consciousness, emotional intelligence, and ability to clearly communicate!
It’s important that we are kind and compassionate humans that know that one level is not better than another. If someone doesn’t understand you, perhaps it’s because they haven’t reached the level that you are at currently, and perhaps you’re not understanding them because you haven’t reached the level they’re on. Another way to say this, “You can’t speak butterfly to a caterpillar.” And the caterpillar is just as glorious as the butterfly. Another example: a five year old will likely have a hard time understanding how to build a car engine. This doesn’t mean that the five year old is any less intelligent than a 50 year old. They are just at a different stage of learning. We don’t expect them to know that information. Similarly, we wouldn’t yell at a baby who is learning to walk and degrade them because they don’t already know how to do that! We would do the opposite—we’d be patient and we’d encourage them kindly, meeting them where they are.
This is where the Sacred Pause comes in during discordant communications. Take a breath. It’s likely you are not speaking the same language as your friend and that’s okay. The kindest thing to do is to liberally apply a lot of love and compassion and patience to the situation and know that you are simply not currently on the same wavelength. Love and compassion will do more for any situation than aggression will. The misunderstanding will either resolve itself through mutual kindness, respect, and the desire to understand the other, or the relationship will change. Your job is to do your own work and show up with love, humility, compassion, and kindness.
