Throughout my life I’ve received comments like: “You’re so lucky you can travel and work at the same time.” Or, “You’re so lucky that you can start a business like that.” Or, “I love your hair. I could never pull that off, but you can.” Tonight, I was talking to a brilliant friend who was repeatedly making statements like this—speaking of how lucky I was to have a life that felt more free than his and that he could never do what I do.
The thing is, almost all things in our lives are comprised of a series of choices we’ve made. Most people choose regular jobs, marriages, children, 401Ks, etc., and most are pretty happy with those choices. They, of course, have moments when they wish their lives were different. We all have those moments.
For example, I purposefully chose not to get married or have kids. I also purposefully chose not to have a 9-5 job. Here’s a more trite example, which strangely comes up a lot. I’m 48 years old and I have chosen to no longer dye my hair. This means that people are often staring at me because I’ve made a less socially acceptable choice with my appearance.
Over 90 percent of the time, I love the choices I’ve made, but there are days when I feel lonely and wonder if I should have gotten married or had kids, and there are days when I envy the predictability of a regular ole paycheck. I can see how my friend who has a 9-5 and co-parents his kid with his ex-wife feels envious of my abnormal schedule, but he also doesn’t deal with the weird long hours and the fact that if something goes wrong I’m the only one to blame. He just sees the part that seems “free.” We all have those moments when the grass appears greener elsewhere, but this article is not about “greener pastures.”
What I really want to bring up here will likely be a bit triggering for some, so take a breath, and hear me out.
When someone says, “You’re so lucky you have _____.” Or, “I love your white hair. I could never do that,” I usually quietly listen, but inside of me I’m thinking: “Of course you can do that. You’re just choosing not to.” My friend is choosing a 9-5 job that he complains about. Yes, looking after a child plays a big role in his decision, but it’s still a decision. He could make the decision to run his own company and make his own hours and still make a nice income and honestly, would probably be able to spend even more time with his kid.
So, when people say things like this to me, I automatically ponder what is the deeper, less obvious reason they make certain choices.
In my opinion, it boils down to two main things: 1. Understanding what the deeper desire is that is driving the decision. 2. Taking personal responsibility for the choices you make and remaining sovereign and empowered in those choices.
Let’s unpack #1: the deeper desire driving the decision. This is just a fancy way of saying “it’s all a matter of what is most important to each person.” We all have our reasons that drive our choices. Using myself as an example, freedom has often been more important to me than a stable paycheck. For my friend, it is the opposite. Stability is what is most important to him so he has made choices with stability being his “deeper desire.” For those who chose marriage and owning a home, companionship and nesting were likely top priorities, while my priorities were adventure and travel. Ironically, my buddy now feels trapped by the job and kid, and there are days when I sometimes wish I was married. LOL. Priorities change, don’t they?!
Which brings me to point #2: It’s important to take personal responsibility and ownership for the choices you make, so you can remain in personal sovereignty. If you choose to have a 9-5 job, choose to become a parent, choose to buy a house and have a mortgage, these are big responsibilities you have signed yourself up for. This is obvious. What is less obvious here is a deeper level of responsibility to your own happiness, because almost everything is a choice, and you can make new and different choices if/when you want to.
Let this statement sink in. For example, if my friend decided he no longer liked having a 9-5 job, he could quit and start his own company. Yes, it would likely be challenging to keep paying for the child’s needs until the company made money, but there are strategic plans to help with that, and it is doable. It’s all about how badly he wants it and is willing to work for it. Another example would be if he was tired of paying a high mortgage, he could sell the house and get a less expensive one.
Almost every thing is a choice.
And this is the truth no one likes hearing: we just often pick the one that is easiest and then complain about it.
It’s easier for him to stick with the 9-5 job than to have the courage to start his own business. Most people will choose “the devil they know” over the road less traveled.
So, yes, I know these are harder choices, but they are choices nevertheless.
I disagree when people say things like “I can’t do that.”
I rarely say this out loud unless I’m coaching someone and they are paying me to help them see hard truths, but I felt called to say it here because I want people to behave like the empowered sovereign beings that they are, and I want them to be honest with themselves. It’s not that they can’t do _____. They are choosing not to.
When we take full ownership of our choices, we automatically start living in a more empowered way. Something profound shifts inside with even just our word choices. Check and see how differently each of these statements land in your body when you say them. “I have to keep staying in this 9-5 job,” versus, “I am choosing to do this job because I value receiving a regular paycheck.”
