“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” – Charles Bukowski
Can you?? I’ve had some experiences lately where I realized that I had been so deeply entrenched in how I was supposed to be that I couldn’t remember who I really was. Many of us are taught at a young age how we are supposed to be. Maybe you didn’t want to give your weird aunt a hug. Maybe you wanted to study something different than what you were told you should study in school. Maybe you didn’t feel like “smiling” because you were genuinely feeling your feelings.
We are all groomed from a young age to fit into certain societal norms. Most of us don’t even recognize this is happening. Our parents and caregivers meant well—they simply wanted us to have the best chances of survival.
Centuries ago, when people were living amongst carnivorous wild animals, it was vital to be part of a tribe because we needed the safety of the tribe to protect us from real physical threats. Nowadays, most of us are privileged enough to feel physically safe, and are luckily not too concerned with basic survival needs of food and shelter. But as the world and humans evolve, our concerns are now more in the realms of emotional and psychological evolution—and we are still concerned with safety. This is why there is such a rise in personal development and mental health. We are evolving towards the intangible, the energetic.
It is also why we are still finding ourselves conforming to societal rules. Whether we like it or not, we are more apt to be accepted and welcomed by people when we emotionally and psychologically behave like them.
From a young age, I observed people around me being treated “less than” because they were different in some way. Before my young brain was able to really understand what was going on, it had deduced that if we wanted to succeed, we needed to fit in in order to be liked. We needed to smile when we were supposed to smile, eat the food that was served even if it didn’t agree with us, study what we were supposed to study. I wasn’t always compliant, of course. I had my rebellions. But I did learn to mask (like almost all of us do).
In fact, I masked so well, I had even fooled myself, until very recently. I’m currently in the process of unlearning this. The mask has felt heavy and untrue, and it no longer fits my face. I know I’m not alone in this, which is why I am purposefully sharing my personal experience here. May it liberate you in some way.
Now at 48 years old, I keep asking myself Bukowski’s vital question: “Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” Well, it was a really long time ago when social conditionings usurped little me, and made me into a straight A student and goal-oriented entrepreneur. But I do have some memories of who I was before the world told me who I should be: I was a pensive young artist fascinated with mermaids; a writer who wrote poems about love that could have been written by someone decades older; a cheeky little trickster who loved playing dress up; and a deep feeling, intuitive, connected little girl who felt God in the trees.
Her uniqueness and nonconformity are precious, and I’m more committed to her than I’ve ever been. I’d love to know about you. Can you remember who you were? Will you share with us so more and more people feel safe to be different?
